If I Could be a Cartoon... (go back »)

If I could be any cartoon character I’d be Tommy Pickles (early nineties Rugrats, none of this All Grown Up crap.) Now I know what you’re thinking: Who would want to be a toddler? Well look past the walking-around-in-piles-of-your-own-feces situation and the demeaning dependence on bottled formula (breast feeding is for chumps, not for TV-G) for a minute and you’ll see. Tommy had the ideal life. To start with, he was completely cognizant of his surroundings. Sure, he couldn’t talk to adults, but who needs them? They’re like kidneys. Wait, no, what’s that organ? The appendix, right! He could understand these tall creatures, and if he wanted to communicate he could speak with his friends or that clever swindler Angelica. The best part of Tommy’s life, though, was his blissful ignorance. Knowledge is the most addictive metaphor of a drug available on the streets today. It’s a lot like crack, only you don’t have to go to Holyoke to get it. Once you get a taste of knowledge you need to know more and more. Once you have it you want to use it to help people and make the world a better place. If you’re completely immoral you can also use it to make a ton of money by screwing thousands of innocent people (see: Lay, Kenneth.) The downside of using this knowledge, however, is that everyone eventually discovers that there are so many terrible problems, which will never be even close to solved in our lifetimes. Tommy Pickles doesn’t have to be overwhelmed with the terrors of our modern world. He is unaware that he is powerless to stop the millions dying of AIDS in Africa. He doesn’t worry about the institutional oppression that will one day prevent his friend Suzie from obtaining any sort of position of power, despite her superior intelligence. He doesn’t even have to worry about the fact that making real global impact requires the aid of multiple corrupt governments and corporation, which do everything in their power to hinder real social progress. No, Tommy Pickles is focused on solving the little problems in life. He knows that if he can unravel one mystery, set right one injustice, that he can rest peacefully at night. Sometimes he’d also sleep peacefully during the day too. I miss nap time. But why be Tommy and not one of his three pals? It’s simple. Chucky is always scared and overwhelmed by everything, exactly what I’d want to avoid. Every time the rugrats set out to do something Chucky overloads and tries to convince them not to. Phil and Lil are the opposite. They’re always up for adventure, but they are simple thrill-seekers. They also eat worms, which is pretty gross when you think about it. Tommy is the leader of the group though. It is his sense of curiosity and right and wrong that led the toddlers to each discovery and accomplishment. Of course, it’s not desirable to always be Tommy Pickles. If we all chose not to recognize the world’s most serious problems then we would have no desire to bring about change. There are moments, however, that I wish I could forget all that I’m helpless to solve both in everyday life and the greater world, and just focus on one, small, tangible thing.